Listening to: Bloody Fate
To whoever is reading this,
Long time no see.
I honestly didn't imagine myself ever coming back to this site. But somehow, I've come, mostly by odd and strange compulsions to. Since my habit of updating on every single part of my life every other day has long since passed, perhaps I should sum up the last while of my life.
I'm in 12th grade now, and I couldn't be less motivated. I've become bored and dissatisfied with life, whatever things enthralled and enraptured me as a giddy fourteen through sixteen year old fail to do so anymore. I got bumped to second in my class, not that I really care. I honestly don't care about graduating top of my class anymore. I almost don't care about college either. My mother nagged and nagged me to apply to Yale because of how esteemed their art program is, of course I was rejected, and I didn't expect anything otherwise. And so now I also await a rejection letter from Brown University and Carnegie Mellon University, courtesy of her ambition to have me apply everywhere.
The only schools I can honestly say I'm interested are the Rhode Island School of Design and Maryland Institute College of Art. I'm finishing up my portfolios for them, and then who knows what the hell will happen. If I don't get into either, I don't think I'll be going to college Even if I do, I've kept questioning my desire to major in art. It's the only major I could ever imagine myself pursuing, yet the knowledge of low salaries, difficulty of the field, and of unpayable college debt constantly haunt me, I still have passion, somehow, for art, and I truly have been giving my portfolio pieces my all, but I know that hardly means success for an art career.
I know I don't have the skill and potential for any other majors, or the motivation. I've backed myself into a corner and am probably going to regret doing so, but I don't have many options available right now, and as terrible as it seems, it seems that my only current one is just backing myself in further. Long ago did I give up my thoughts if going for veterinary sciences, and my thoughts on English are far to erratic and changing to actually warrant going for a degree in it. I'm left with art, and I guess I can only hope I get somewhere with it.
I know I sound so apathetic, and well, yep, I am. I just lost my capacity to care about anything. My blood sugars are bad, I've gained weight, and my grades are going to crash and burn sooner or later. My greatest motivation for getting up in the morning is knowing that I can go to bed later, and that sometime during the day I can eat something. My drive, and ambition, and everything, or most of it, it's just all gone. Is this what depression feels like? Because it seems that way. I just don't know. I really don't know. Art is my only outlet, and despite that being the only place my passion for hasn't been lost, I feel like I need another outlet. Never in my life have I felt so lost and faithless and without purpose; I just don't know, I just don't know.